Nation Sees Precedented Surge in Number of Gun Policy Experts After School Shooting

A gun that’s roughly as effective as the US gun control debate | Pixabay

PARKLAND, FL–In the aftermath of a tragic school shooting at a high school in Florida that claimed 17 lives, the US has seen a precedented surge in the number of gun policy experts that are ready and willing to weigh in on the topic.*
The ranks of the new experts include people like Bruce Feffer of Miami. “Before the mass shooting, I was just a bartender,” Feffer explained to The Daily Face Palm in an email. “But after reading a diverse range of opinions from Fox News and the Heritage Foundation, I am certain that our current gun control laws are constitutional and sufficient.”

While Feffer hasn’t been cited as an expert in many publications yet, he told The DFP that he’s been working diligently to influence friends and family on social media. “I feel like my memes are really getting somewhere,” Feffer said.

Another gun policy wonk is Sandra Johnston of Orlando, who is formally employed as a nurse. She has been studying gun control issues and the Second Amendment literature for several days now since the tragedy. “As a nurse, I feel I can offer a unique perspective on these issues because I’ve seen gunshot wounds up close, and I’m completely against them,” Johnston said, adding that she thought most other people would agree if they were in her position.

Johnston has spent most of her time as an activist sending ironic psalms to Republican House members, and coming up with cheeky hashtags on Twitter to advance common sense legislation.

Pre-existing policy aficionados in DC have been cheered by the recent enthusiasm for the subject, even if it was sparked by a deeply tragic event. However, they tempered their optimism by saying that this level of interest usually doesn’t last. At present, researchers believe the gun control debate will last until Trump tweets out his long-awaited thoughts on the Black Panther movie or a new leak emerges from the Russia suggesting that Robert Mueller may issue a new parking citation to someone with a Slavic surname.

*This is a satirical post. All of the individuals and quotations cited above are fictional.