In Rare Display of Competence, FBI Successfully Coordinates Massive School Shooting Hoax: Blogger

You can do better | Pixabay

PARKLAND, FLORIDA–In a shrewd attempt to move the political needle on gun control, the Federal Bureau of Investigation sucessfully staged a school shooting Parkland, Florida, according to a reliable right-wing blogger who recently became an expert on the topic.

Allegedly, the FBI left no stone unturned in carrying out the operation. They ensured actual people died, so that grieving families would appear genunine and unrehearsed. They flew out specially-trained actors to push their legislative priorities. And then they scheduled it on Valentine’s Day, when they knew many sad sacks would be eager to find a compelling story to push instead of the ironic and depressing single memes they had queued up. They truly seem to have thought of everything.*
The blogger behind the accusation, Milo Jones, said he uncovered the hoax while skimming through local news channel stories from California and Florida. One of the students being interviewed in the wake of the Florida shooting was also interviewed several months earlier in California about a completely unrelated and minor story on a slow news day about boogie boarding storage etiquette. That’s when Jones knew.

“What are the chances that a random teenager could be interviewed by different local news teams, about different events, months apart in different cities?” Jones explained to The Daily Face Palm. “And really, how likely is it that a retired parent would decide to move his family from a tropical oceanside community in high-tax California to a tropical oceanside community in low-tax Florida–who does that?”

In spite of the compelling evidence, Jones said there are still some skeptics. For instance, some of his harshest critics point out that the FBI seemed to receive a black eye over the affair when it was received that it received multiple specific tips about the shooter in the weeks leading up to the event and failed to follow up. If the FBI really did plot the event, why would they put something like this in the script?

Jones explained that, in fact, this is one of the most clever components of the plot. “Given their track record, no one would believe a violent tragedy was legitimate unless there was clear evidence of an FBI failure somewhere along the way. So they had to build that in to make it convincing,” Jones said. “A mass tragedy without FBI incompetence is like a rom-com without a cute-meet–it doesn’t work.”

*This is a satirical post. The blogger in question and the quotes discussed above are fictional.