Incorrigible Gun Nut Will Definitely Give Up His Weapons Peacefully If They Are Banned

Tom Johnson patrolling the neighborhood | Matt Simon, Flickr

TOPEKA, KANSAS–Local gun enthusiast Tom Johnson announced this week that he would definitely surrender all his guns to the authorities without a fight if a proposed ban on firearms is passed into law.*
A lifelong member of the NRA and loyal Trump supporter, Johnson is known among friends and family as a crusty right-winger who often forwards them emails from the Drudge Report. He also believes the US Constitution and its Bill of Rights are divinely inspired documents “that are nearly on par with the Bible except for the friggin’ Eighth Amendment that prevents us from torturing the bad guys,” Johnson told The Daily Face Palm.

These views had some neighbors understandably concerned that Johnson might put his prepper skills into action if the federal government ever tried to confiscate his armory. “He’s got enough ammo and freeze-dried food in there to last months,” explained one neighbor, who asked not to be identified because their front porch is within sight of Johnson’s second story window.

Fortunately, the latest announcement finally put these concerns to rest.

“I am deeply disturbed that the FBI would hire crisis actors and perpetrate a hoax on the American people in order to grab our guns,” Johnson explained at the latest homeowner’s association meeting. “But if the radical leftists and RINOs in Congress decide to ban guns banned, I won’t #Resist.”

*This is a satirical post. All of the quotes and individuals mentioned above are fictional.