Chairman Kim to Leverage US-Granted Legitimacy in Upcoming One-Candidate Elections

 In the wake of the much-discussed Singapore Summit between North Korea and the US, Chairman Kim says he expects to use his newfound legitimacy to win the next round of one-candidate elections.

By Cancelling the Annual Practice Invasion of North Korea, Trump Betrayed Core American Values

 President Trump's summit with North Korea's leader was unprecedented, and for good reason. No recent president has been foolish enough to engage in such reckless diplomacy.

In case the photo ops and the compliments were not enough to make an American's stomach turn, Trump decided to add insult to patriotic injury at the press conference that followed. That's when he cancelled the annual practice invasion of North Korea.

This is a needless concession that sacrifices critical bargaining leverage. Worse than that, it's a total betrayal of American values--specifically, the quintessential American value of belligerence.*

Immigrant Rights Group Says It Will Support Deportation of Jeff Sessions, in Rare Exception to Traditional Stance

On Thursday, the prominent immigrant rights group NumerosUSA said it would make an exception to its traditional stance on deportation and support the "expedient and necessary deportation" of Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

EU Bureaucrats to Vote on Official Definition of Democracy

 
A series of dangerous "democratic" episodes have roiled members of the European Union, from Greece to Spain to Italy, threatening the stability of the overall project. Now, a group of intrepid EU bureaucrats are trying to get ahead of the next crisis by clarifying the definition of democracy.*

Gina Haspel’s Confirmation as CIA Director Rights Historic Injustice

In a major victory for feminism and equality, longtime CIA official Gina Haspel was confirmed to be the new CIA Director last week by the Senate. With the decision, Haspel becomes the first woman to lead the storied spy agency, showing millions of ambitious female sociopaths that they can indeed reach the pinnacle of their profession.

“This is a huge step toward gender equality in the nation’s military-industrial complex,” one feminist activist told The Face Palm.*

However, like many other Trump nominees, Haspel’s confirmation faced considerable pushback.

Most of the criticism focused on Haspel’s role in the CIA’s torture program. Haspel ran a black site in Thailand where the torture methods, including waterboarding, were used.

This context meant that Haspel’s confirmation was not only a question of whether the glass ceiling would be broken at the CIA; it was bigger than that. Her confirmation process was a test of whether powerful women who made horrible and indefensible choices in the past would still be able to advance to higher positions of power in the future.

For men, this question has never been in doubt.

Staten Island District Attorney Daniel Donovan botched the prosecution of the police officer that killed Eric Garner on video, and then promptly launched a successful campaign for Congress. President George W. Bush won reelection after launching the disastrous Iraq War. And of course, Donald Trump managed to become President of the United States after spending a lifetime being–well, Donald Trump.

But for women, it has always been different.

The most famous example is that of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Due to her long tenure in the public eye, Clinton has made a number of demonstrably bad choices, including supporting her husband’s “tough on crime” policies in the 1990s, supporting the Iraq War in 2003, and lobbying for regime change in Libya in 2011, which sent that country into abject chaos.

These assorted disasters contributed to Clinton’s failed campaigns for the White House in 2008 and in 2016. Voters didn’t reject her just because she’d made terrible decisions; it was because she made terrible decisions and she was a woman.

Perhaps with Haspel’s confirmation, we can finally put this sordid chapter in our nation’s history behind us. Perhaps now, at long last, political officials of all genders will be able to continue their amoral ascent to power, uninhibited by the legendary failures of judgment left in their wake.

*This is a satirical post. The activist quoted in this piece is not real person.

Drug Dealer Stocks Plunge After Trump Promises Death Penalty

Corporate Drug Dealer

Shares of the nation’s leading corporate drug dealers plunged this week after President Trump announced that his administration would seek the death penalty for high-impact drug dealers.*

FBI Sees Surge in Job Applications After Reports on McCabe’s Retirement Package

WASHINGTON, DC–Last week, outgoing FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe was fired just days before he was set to retire with a full pension at the ripe age of 50. The pension was estimated to worth around $60k per year.*

Interested in replacing Gary Cohn in DC? Check out these White House FAQs

The Oval Office | dalatindiva, Pixabay

WASHINGTON, DC–Economic adviser Gary Cohn has announced his plans to resign, and now the White House is on the hunt for a replacement.**

Russia Unveils Sophisticated Weapon That Can Penetrate US Missile Defenses

Schematics of the new Russian katapalta | Angeleses, Pixabay

MOSCOW, RUSSIA–Speaking during the annual state-of-the-nation address in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin bragged about a new weapons system that is capable of piercing US missile defenses.*

US experts described the development as a coup of sorts for Russia–though not the kind they fervently hoped for. With the announcement, it’s clear that mutually assured destruction still applies between America and Russia.

Congress Votes to Ban High-capacity Magazines

High-capacity magazines | Jose Francisco Del Valle Mojica, Flickr

WASHINGTON, DC–In its first piece of major legislation after the deadly school shooting in Parkland, Florida, this week Congress passed a ban on high-capacity magazines.

Like most gun control legislation, the move was intended as a mostly symbolic gesture to satisfy voters’ demand to “do something”–without really doing much.*

To Prevent Gun Violence, Activist Demands Boycott of All FedEx Customers, Including Self

More like FedUp

MIAMI, FLORIDA–Gun control advocates called for a broad boycott against the shipping company FedEx, which offers price discounts to National Rifle Association members. Now, one activist is expanding that boycott further, by targeting FedEx customers as well.

“It’s the logical next step,” explained Keith Davis, an activist who supports common sense gun control legislation.*

NSA to Lay Off Cybersecurity Investigators, Just Blame All Future Hacks on Russia

Probably Russian | TheDigitalArtist, Pixabay

FORT MEADE, MARYLAND–The National Security Agency has announced plans to lay off hundreds of cybersecurity investigators as part of a major restructuring effort within the Agency.

The announcement comes just days after these same investigators solved a cybersecurity breach related to the PyeongChang Winter Olympics.

In that devastating attack, which was unexpectedly attributed to Russia, the hackers spread malware on computers that prevented workers from smoothly processing admission tickets for the Opening Ceremony. As a result, the stadium had many empty seats for the Opening Ceremony, giving South Korea and the International Olympic Committee a black eye in front of the world–or at least that small subset of the world that still watches the Olympics.*

Incorrigible Gun Nut Will Definitely Give Up His Weapons Peacefully If They Are Banned

Tom Johnson patrolling the neighborhood | Matt Simon, Flickr

TOPEKA, KANSAS–Local gun enthusiast Tom Johnson announced this week that he would definitely surrender all his guns to the authorities without a fight if a proposed ban on firearms is passed into law.*

In Rare Display of Competence, FBI Successfully Coordinates Massive School Shooting Hoax: Blogger

You can do better | Pixabay

PARKLAND, FLORIDA–In a shrewd attempt to move the political needle on gun control, the Federal Bureau of Investigation sucessfully staged a school shooting Parkland, Florida, according to a reliable right-wing blogger who recently became an expert on the topic.

Allegedly, the FBI left no stone unturned in carrying out the operation. They ensured actual people died, so that grieving families would appear genunine and unrehearsed. They flew out specially-trained actors to push their legislative priorities. And then they scheduled it on Valentine’s Day, when they knew many sad sacks would be eager to find a compelling story to push instead of the ironic and depressing single memes they had queued up. They truly seem to have thought of everything.*

Private Prisons, White Nationalists, and Left-Liberals Come Together to Support Gun Control

Let’s make a deal | Pixabay

WASHINGTON, DC–An unlikely group of allies has found common cause on gun control.

The nation’s leading private prison operators, fringe white nationalists, and respectable Democrats are funding a new organization called Bite the Bullet, which seeks to advance strict new gun control legislation. The new initiative was quickly formed in the wake of the recent school shooting in Florida, which claimed the lives of 17 individuals.*

Nation Sees Precedented Surge in Number of Gun Policy Experts After School Shooting

A gun that’s roughly as effective as the US gun control debate | Pixabay

PARKLAND, FL–In the aftermath of a tragic school shooting at a high school in Florida that claimed 17 lives, the US has seen a precedented surge in the number of gun policy experts that are ready and willing to weigh in on the topic.*

Campaign Finance Reform Advocates Optimistic After Russians’ Election Influence Success

There has never been a better time for grassroots activists to succeed on a budget. | Pixabay

WASHINGTON, DC–In the wake of the Mueller investigation indictments against 13 Russian nationals for election interference, many Americans cited the news as evidence for their pre-existing understanding of Russiagate.*

Champagne Pops at the Federal Reserve After Official Inflation Measure Finally Reaches 2%

A possible alternate use of Federal Reserve notes, if inflation escalates more | Credit: Purple Slog, Flickr

WASHINGTON, DC–The Federal Reserve Board of Governors held an impromptu celebration Wednesday on the news that consumer price inflation is now 2.1%, above the Fed’s goal of 2%.*

Democrats and Republicans Reach Historic Spending Agreement That Deficits Only Matter When Other Team Is In Charge

Bipartisanship at last | Credit: Capri23Auto, Pixabay

WASHINGTON, DC–In a rare outbreak of bipartisanship, last week Democratic and Republican lawmakers came together and agreed that deficits only matter when the other team is in charge.

With Bold New Tariffs, Trump Protects Consumers from Low Prices, Harmful Solar Energy

If solar energy can do this to your back, just imagine what it would do to a light bulb. | Pavel Ševela / Wikimedia Commons

WHIRLPOOL HEADQUARTERS, OHIO–In his latest executive initiative to make America great again, President Trump imposed new tariffs on foreign manufacturers of solar panels and washing machines.

The move comes in an effort to defend US companies from harmful competition. Trump has previously said that China is “raping” the US by selling low-cost products that improve the US standard of living.*

Syrian Official: Why Accept People from “Shithole” Countries Like US?

The Flag of Syria | Photy.org, Flickr

DAMASCUS, SYRIA–Syrian Interior Minister Mohammad al-Shaar is facing widespread criticism this week after it was reported that he described the United States as a “shithole” country in a private meeting with other government officials.

The comment arose during heated negotiations over Syria’s immigration policies. In past remarks, Shaar has favored heightened restrictions on immigration to the Syrian Arab Republic in the name of national security.*

Looming Government Shutdown Will Close Vitally Obscure Services

The wheels of society are about to grind to a screeching halt. | Credit: Daniel Oines

WASHINGTON, DC–Frustrated voters across the US are bracing for the worst.

After a series of tweets and scuttled compromises, Washington DC is on the brink of a government shutdown. If it happens, it would be the first shutdown since 2013 when Senator Ted Cruz discovered he could watch himself give speeches on C-SPAN.

New SimCityPlanner Video Game Will Be Most Realistic Yet: Designers

 

Game cover image

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA–Electronic Arts has announced the latest title in the successful SimCity franchise. It’s called SimCityPlanner, and the game’s designers promise it will be the most realistic version yet.

Previous titles in the series were renowned for their attention to detail and extensive customization options. The series also finally provided a satisfying answer to the timeless question “Who will build the roads?” In SimCity, the answer is the player/god/mayor, and all of the subjects seem pretty happy with the arrangement.*

Weary of Demonstrations, Iranian Protesters Welcome US Support

Saying they’ve grown tired of the activism scene after more than a week of protests, Iranian demonstrators say they welcome support from the US government.*