NSA to Lay Off Cybersecurity Investigators, Just Blame All Future Hacks on Russia

Probably Russian | TheDigitalArtist, Pixabay

FORT MEADE, MARYLAND–The National Security Agency has announced plans to lay off hundreds of cybersecurity investigators as part of a major restructuring effort within the Agency.

The announcement comes just days after these same investigators solved a cybersecurity breach related to the PyeongChang Winter Olympics.

In that devastating attack, which was unexpectedly attributed to Russia, the hackers spread malware on computers that prevented workers from smoothly processing admission tickets for the Opening Ceremony. As a result, the stadium had many empty seats for the Opening Ceremony, giving South Korea and the International Olympic Committee a black eye in front of the world–or at least that small subset of the world that still watches the Olympics.*

Incorrigible Gun Nut Will Definitely Give Up His Weapons Peacefully If They Are Banned

Tom Johnson patrolling the neighborhood | Matt Simon, Flickr

TOPEKA, KANSAS–Local gun enthusiast Tom Johnson announced this week that he would definitely surrender all his guns to the authorities without a fight if a proposed ban on firearms is passed into law.*

In Rare Display of Competence, FBI Successfully Coordinates Massive School Shooting Hoax: Blogger

You can do better | Pixabay

PARKLAND, FLORIDA–In a shrewd attempt to move the political needle on gun control, the Federal Bureau of Investigation sucessfully staged a school shooting Parkland, Florida, according to a reliable right-wing blogger who recently became an expert on the topic.

Allegedly, the FBI left no stone unturned in carrying out the operation. They ensured actual people died, so that grieving families would appear genunine and unrehearsed. They flew out specially-trained actors to push their legislative priorities. And then they scheduled it on Valentine’s Day, when they knew many sad sacks would be eager to find a compelling story to push instead of the ironic and depressing single memes they had queued up. They truly seem to have thought of everything.*

Private Prisons, White Nationalists, and Left-Liberals Come Together to Support Gun Control

Let’s make a deal | Pixabay

WASHINGTON, DC–An unlikely group of allies has found common cause on gun control.

The nation’s leading private prison operators, fringe white nationalists, and respectable Democrats are funding a new organization called Bite the Bullet, which seeks to advance strict new gun control legislation. The new initiative was quickly formed in the wake of the recent school shooting in Florida, which claimed the lives of 17 individuals.*

Nation Sees Precedented Surge in Number of Gun Policy Experts After School Shooting

A gun that’s roughly as effective as the US gun control debate | Pixabay

PARKLAND, FL–In the aftermath of a tragic school shooting at a high school in Florida that claimed 17 lives, the US has seen a precedented surge in the number of gun policy experts that are ready and willing to weigh in on the topic.*

Campaign Finance Reform Advocates Optimistic After Russians’ Election Influence Success

There has never been a better time for grassroots activists to succeed on a budget. | Pixabay

WASHINGTON, DC–In the wake of the Mueller investigation indictments against 13 Russian nationals for election interference, many Americans cited the news as evidence for their pre-existing understanding of Russiagate.*

Champagne Pops at the Federal Reserve After Official Inflation Measure Finally Reaches 2%

A possible alternate use of Federal Reserve notes, if inflation escalates more | Credit: Purple Slog, Flickr

WASHINGTON, DC–The Federal Reserve Board of Governors held an impromptu celebration Wednesday on the news that consumer price inflation is now 2.1%, above the Fed’s goal of 2%.*

Democrats and Republicans Reach Historic Spending Agreement That Deficits Only Matter When Other Team Is In Charge

Bipartisanship at last | Credit: Capri23Auto, Pixabay

WASHINGTON, DC–In a rare outbreak of bipartisanship, last week Democratic and Republican lawmakers came together and agreed that deficits only matter when the other team is in charge.