NSA to Lay Off Cybersecurity Investigators, Just Blame All Future Hacks on Russia

Probably Russian | TheDigitalArtist, Pixabay

FORT MEADE, MARYLAND–The National Security Agency has announced plans to lay off hundreds of cybersecurity investigators as part of a major restructuring effort within the Agency.

The announcement comes just days after these same investigators solved a cybersecurity breach related to the PyeongChang Winter Olympics.

In that devastating attack, which was unexpectedly attributed to Russia, the hackers spread malware on computers that prevented workers from smoothly processing admission tickets for the Opening Ceremony. As a result, the stadium had many empty seats for the Opening Ceremony, giving South Korea and the International Olympic Committee a black eye in front of the world–or at least that small subset of the world that still watches the Olympics.*
To make matters worse, US officials say the Russian hackers also used North Korean IP addresses. Researchers speculate that Russia did this to make it look like North Korea was responsible, potentially providing a pretext for US to launch a nuclear war against eastern neighbor in retaliation, which definitely makes sense strategically. “This was Russian tradecraft at its finest,” an anonymous US source told The Washington Post.

After solving a plot of this magnitude, many investigators thought their jobs would be safe. But executives at the Agency ultimately determined their efforts were no longer necessary.

“We deeply appreciate all of the hard work our cybersecurity investigators have put in over the years,” NSA Director Mike Rogers wrote in a memo to employees. “But we have a duty to the American people to protect them from privacy, in the most effective way possible.”

In the memo, a copy of which was provided to The Daily Face Palm, Rogers explained that the Agency could save valuable time and effort by foregoing cybersecurity investigations and just blaming all future hacks on Russia. “We’ll reach the same conclusion as before, but now we’ll be able to redeploy those resources to work on more important objectives. After all, the Fourth Amendment doesn’t violate itself,” he wrote.




*This is a satirical post. All quotes mentioned above are fictional in nature.