As War Pre-orders Jump 12%, CIA Worries About Meeting Demand for Enemies

Nobody creates enemies as efficiently as the Agency. | Source: CIA Website, via Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON, DC–Last week, President Trump approved a defense policy bill that includes a total budget of $692B, marking a nearly 12% increase in pre-ordered wars over the prior year.

Ordinarily, this surge in war pre-orders would be good news for the CIA, which creates most of the key enemy components needed for the wars. However, at least one insider at the Agency is concerned that they won’t be able to keep up with the demand.*
The official, who was granted total anonymity as a matter of course, said the CIA had pushed its enemy manufacturing efforts to the limits in recent years. This included extensive operations in Libya and Syria and widespread drone strikes, which are designed to efficiently discover new enemy resources.

Their efforts paid off historically. But the official cited two major headwinds that will make it difficult to expand supplies even further–the end of Operation Timber Sycamore and the official end of the torture program. Visibly frustrated, the official asked, “How are we supposed to create more enemies if we can’t back jihadis in Syria and we can’t even torture random farmers? They’re tying our hands.” He later added that “Drones can only do so much.”

Others disagree with this analysis, however. Chad Davis, an enemy industry expert with the American Enterprise Institute, said that the CIA tends to downplay their capabilities in order to manage expectations and lobby for larger budgets. But Davis said he had no doubt that they’d ultimately be able to meet the new demand on time.

“Nobody can create enemies like the CIA,” Davis explained, “From 9/11 to 2017, the CIA and its partners managed to grow some 400 Al Qaeda guys into a widespread network estimated at nearly 20,000 jihadis in the Islamic State, Nusra Front, and elsewhere. That was an almost 30% annual growth rate; all they need to do this time is 12%.”



*This is a satirical post. All of the quotes and individuals cited are fictional in nature.