Harvard Rescinds Manning Fellowship, Regrets Tarnishing Brand with Integrity

Noted peace criminal
Chelsea Manning,
who exposed thousands of
innocent classified documents
to the elements.
Credit: Tim Travers Hawkins,
Wikimedia Commons

BOSTON, MA–On Friday, the Harvard Kennedy School’s Institute of Politics withdrew its fellowship invitation to Chelsea Manning, the notorious traitor who leaked thousands of classified documents and exposed the inner-workings of America’s benevolent foreign policy.*

When the invitation was originally extended, it set off a firestorm of criticism from current and former high-ranking officials who helped oversee that foreign policy and were inexplicably upset at having their good deeds revealed to the public. Current CIA Director Mike Pompeo abruptly pulled out of a speech at the Harvard Kennedy School in protest. Additionally, former Acting CIA Director, and noted proponent of assassinating Russians and Iranians, Michael Morell penned a letter of resignation from his current post at the Kennedy School, thereby denying a generation of aspiring, patriotic sociopaths an experienced lecturer in the field.
Faced with this pushback, the US’s most prestigious and well-financed institution of higher education decided it could not afford to defend itself and quickly reversed course by withdrawing Manning’s invitation.

In a statement accompanying the decision, the Harvard Kennedy School explained that “the selection process for our political fellows is very rigorous, and we attempt to screen out all candidates with integrity. In some cases, however, people do slip through the cracks, and we deeply regret the mistake.” The statement went on to note that Manning’s demonstrated commitment to transparency and respect for the rights of non-Americans “was completely contrary to the School’s values.”

At press time, the Harvard Kennedy School was reportedly planning to restore its image by inviting the highly respected war criminals Dick Cheney and Madeline Albright to team teach a class on winning hearts and minds in Iraq.

*This is a satirical post. The underlying story is real, and the Harvard Kennedy School really did call honoring Manning a “mistake”. However, the rest of that quote and others are fictional. And to our knowledge, Harvard is not hiring Cheney and Albright, but they do have Samantha Power on the faculty currently, which isn’t that much better.