Drug Dealer Stocks Plunge After Trump Promises Death Penalty

Corporate Drug Dealer

Shares of the nation’s leading corporate drug dealers plunged this week after President Trump announced that his administration would seek the death penalty for high-impact drug dealers.*
Based on the broad language, some investors feared that the companies might get targeted with dissolution–the death penalty for corporations.

This fear is understandable given that legal prescription drugs, even when taken as prescribed, are associated with far more deaths in the US each year than illegal drugs. In 2014, for example, legal prescription drugs were involved in and estimated 128,000 deaths; for comparison, heroin was involved in 10,574 deaths in the same year.

Fortunately, drug stocks rebounded after the administration clarified that the death penalty would only apply to drug dealers that don’t lobby the FDA.

*This is a satirical post.