With Bold New Tariffs, Trump Protects Consumers from Low Prices, Harmful Solar Energy

If solar energy can do this to your back, just imagine what it would do to a light bulb. | Pavel Ševela / Wikimedia Commons

WHIRLPOOL HEADQUARTERS, OHIO–In his latest executive initiative to make America great again, President Trump imposed new tariffs on foreign manufacturers of solar panels and washing machines.

The move comes in an effort to defend US companies from harmful competition. Trump has previously said that China is “raping” the US by selling low-cost products that improve the US standard of living.*

(Some haters in the very biased liberal media claim that this sort of voluntary, mutually beneficial interaction actually sounds very little like rape. But that’s only because they don’t understand the trade deficit.)

“You know what our problem is,” Trump said in announcing the decision, “We’ve gotten too soft. Thanks to CHINA, everyone can afford a washing machine in their own house. How will your servants ever learn the value of hard work if they have a Chinese washing machine–from CHINA–doing it for them?”

Trump’s new tariffs will defend consumers from the emasculating effects of low prices. And by raising prices on solar energy panels specifically, Trump’s actions will also protect them from harmful UV solar rays that might otherwise power their house.

Of course, consumers aren’t the only ones that will benefit from the new policies. US Trade Representative Robert Lighthizer added that some domestic companies and many workers will benefit–especially if they don’t wash their clothes.



*This is a satirical post. While Trump did impose new tariffs, the quote attributed to him above is fictional.