GOP Senator Goes As Fiscal Conservative for Halloween

Senator John McCain, out of character. | Credit: Department of Defense

WASHINGTON, DC–Holding a pillow case filled with sweet, chocolatey contraband, a beaming Senator John McCain (R-AZ) briefed reporters on his Halloween caper from a lit front porch in the Beltway.*True to his Maverick reputation, the senior senator chose a unique costume for the occasion. He said he was dressed as a Fiscal Conservative.

Trump Respectfully Responds to Gold Star Widow Criticism

President Trump describes the vital importance of this story | Credit: Marc Nozell, Flickr

WASHINGTON, DC–In the wake of an ambush that claimed the lives of four US servicemembers in Niger, the American press corps has been doggedly pursuing the most important aspect of the story: What did President Trump say on the phone to one of the widows and what was his tone?*

After Sexual Assault Allegations, Weinstein Looks to Bill Clinton for Hope

Harvey Weinstein | Credit: David Shankbone, Wikimedia Commons

NEW YORK, NEW YORK–After a pair of bombshell stories in The New York Times and The New Yorker, which featured multiple women accusing him of sexual harassment and sexual assault, film executive Harvey Weinstein has seen his world quickly crumbling around him.

His wife filed for divorce. The eponymous company he founded severed ties with him. And nearly every famous acquaintance he had in Hollywood or Washington has gone on record denouncing him (though a few took appropriate time to verify that sexual assault committed by a donor still counts as reprehensible). Among Democrats, who once saw him as a valuable political ally, Weinstein may be less popular than Donald Trump at the moment–a distinction political scientists previously thought akin to absolute zero.*

US Officials: Iran Nuclear Deal Failed to Address Non-Nuclear Issues

Mohammad Javad Zarif, Iran’s Foreign Minister and Deal Spirit Violator | Credit: Austria’s foreign ministry, Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON, DC–Noting that Iran has failed to live up to the Spirit of the agreement, senior White House officials told The Daily Face Palm that it would be in America’s national interest to unilaterally withdraw from the Iran Nuclear Deal.*

Spanish PM Confused by Catalan Crowds Since No Vote Occurred

A Catalan flag that does not exist. | Credit: Angela Llop, Flickr

MADRID, SPAIN–Speaking to reporters after an allegedly tumultuous weekend in Catalonia, Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy said he was not sure what 2.3 million Catalans were doing out on Sunday since he had not given them permission to exercise self-determination.

An illegal independence referendum was scheduled for October 1, which might have explained the crowds, but Rajoy noted that, in fact, “There was no independence referendum“.

Rajoy went on to express sympathy with the late King George III of England, saying that the ungrateful American colonists’ Declaration of Independence was illegal and that the rule of law requires that they continue to respect the legitimate authority of the English Crown.

*This is a satirical post.

Replace Confederate Statues with FDR

FDR could be coming to a park near you. | Credit: Dsdugan, Wikimedia Commons

In recent weeks, the Confederate statue controversy has died down. I have been grateful for this shift, as no good ever comes from questioning the status quo or taking an interest in US history.*

Still, I fear that the divisive episode may not be fully behind us. And if it should reemerge, I have developed a grand compromise that should satisfy everyone: Replace all of the Confederate statues with statues of our noble 32nd president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

This solution may not be obvious, but it offers something for everyone.*