Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Police Grateful to Trump for Restored Access to Necessary Tanks, Weapons

Thanks to the AG’s decision, dangerous
backpack-wielding protesters will once again be
confronted with overwhelming force. |
Credit: Scott Olson, Getty Images


On Monday, US Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that the White House was eliminating all Obama-era restrictions on a controversial arms-transfer program, which allows domestic law enforcement agencies to purchase military surplus equipment.

Then-President Obama ordered restrictions put in place in 2015 after embarrassing photos emerged out of Ferguson, Missouri during high-profile police brutality protests. The photos featured heavily armed police in camouflage garb threatening protesters armed with cameras, leading to some confusion whether the pictures were taken in a US city or in one of the US’s many photogenic war zones.

President Obama responded to the mishap by establishing draconian restrictions on the surplus program, preventing police from purchasing even the most critical law enforcement tools like armored tanks, high-caliber weapons, grenade launchers, and bayonets (in case they come across any remaining redcoats on their patrol).*

Friday, August 25, 2017

Rejecting the Transgender Ban: We Cannot Come Together Without Conquering Together

Depiction of an early national team-building
exercise in Egypt | Source: Flickr

When I write My Two Cents, I do my very best to stick to the straight and narrow of moderate centrism. So much damage is done to our democracy by politicians and voters who form principled opinions based on a coherent worldview instead of firmly sticking to the sensible middle ground position.*

But after hearing the news that the Trump Administration really is moving forward with his tweeted plan to prohibit transgender individuals from serving in the military, I realized I could not hold back what is left of my flaccid ideology any longer.

Not only is this latest trans-ban bad policy, and bad politics, it is fundamentally immoral.

Introducing My Two Cents

The Daily Face Palm is excited to introduce My Two Cents, a bland new opinion column that advocates responsible centrist solutions to today’s problems.

Following in the wholly unremarkable footsteps of Senators Robert Menendez and John Kasich, My Two Cents believes that consistent principles often get in the way of effective governance. Both parties have a lot to offer Americans, and multiple studies have shown that the best policies come from a compromise between slightly left-of-center Democrats and slightly right-of-center Republicans.

We don’t need new ideas to improve this country. We just need the political courage to double down on the old ideas.

It’s time to put patriotism before principle and embrace the common sense reforms that will move this exceptional country forward.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Trump on Afghanistan: “I Usually Follow My Instincts, Except When They’re Right”

Donald Trump describes the probability of success
for his new Afghan War strategy. Credit: Marc Nozell

Fort Myer, VA–In a widely anticipated foreign policy speech on Monday, President Trump laid out a bold new branding strategy for the War in Afghanistan. He also offered some important insights into his decision-making process.

Trump explained to the audience that his original instinct on Afghanistan was to pull US troops out, a position he has expressed openly for several years. But he ultimately came to a different conclusion now that he is president.

As he summarized, “I usually follow my instincts, except when they’re right.”*

Monday, August 21, 2017

John McCain Condemns All Nazis Not in Ukrainian Government

Washington, DC–Seeking to further distance himself from an embattled President Trump, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) reiterated at a press conference over the weekend that he “strongly condemns the KKK, white supremacists, and all Nazis that are not in the Ukrainian government.”*

Friday, August 18, 2017

Is Trump’s Foot-in-Mouth Disease an Impeachable Offense?

Donald Trump attempts to spot his approval rating
at a distance, and the back of some guy’s head.
Credit: Marc Nozell

Washington, DC–In the wake of the horrific violence that broke out in Charlottesville, VA between white nationalists and counter-protesters over the weekend, President Trump has offered a shifting response that was widely seen as inappropriate.

Trump’s reaction has been unnerving for many Republicans and has been received poorly by many American voters.

It has also created a new opening for Democrats to criticize the president without appearing unduly partisan. Public opinion polls show that neo-Nazi groups have an abysmal approval rating in the US among Democrats and Republicans, with the ideology scoring even lower than the US Congress–a feat political scientists previously thought to be impossible.

The new political opportunity is now being aggressively seized by Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN), who has announced plans to submit impeachment articles against President Trump over his response to the tragic events in Charlottesville.*

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

After Specific Condemnation, Senator Expects White Supremacist Issue Wrapped Up in “Weeks”

Marco Rubio | Credit: Gage Skidmore

WASHINGTON, DC–Praising President Donald Trump for his much-anticipated remarks denouncing the KKK, neo-Nazis, and white supremacists by name, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) told NBC News he expected the problem to be resolved in “weeks”.*

Rubio acknowledged that Trump “took his time” to issue a proper condemnation, and was actually one of several Republicans to criticize the White House’s initial response to the deadly violence in Charlottesville, VA. In his first remarks on the incident, Trump denounced violence “on many sides” and failed to condemn any specific groups or ideologies.

Trump’s early comments were widely seen as out of character for an outspoken president with a famously porous filter between his thoughts and his Twitter feed.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Texas Declares State Holiday in Honor of George W. Bush

Barack Obama, Official Portrait

Texas has decided to create a new statewide holiday in honor of the 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush. The new holiday will occur every year on July 6, which is the former president’s birthday.*

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

US Celebrates UN Security Council Action to Starve More North Koreans with Sanctions


US, UK Ambassadors vote to impose sanctions.
Source: AP / Mary Altaffer via NBC News

US government officials and commentators were excited to announce this week that UN Security Council had unanimously agreed to impose new sanctions against North Korea, further limiting the country’s already anemic foreign exports.*

The move comes amid months of escalating tensions between the US and North Korean governments. During this period, the US has heightened rhetoric and added new sanctions to deter North Korea from testing missiles and further developing the nuclear weapons capabilities. North Korea, for its part, has continued testing its long-range missiles and developing nuclear weapons.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Consumer Advocate Proposes Right to Die Hopeless Legislation

Credit: Charles Williams, Flickr

Renowned consumer advocate Sarah Walsh is proposing new legislation that would ensure terminally ill patients can die in peace without any possibility of getting better.*

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

US Interventionists Hope to Snap 16-year Losing Streak in North Korea

Credit: Brad.K, Flickr

US officials are expressing some optimism that a looming conflict with North Korea will give the US Military Interventionists a chance to pick up a much-needed victory.*

The possible match-up against North Korea comes at a delicate time for the Interventionist organization.

The team has suffered an unbroken string of losses over the past 16 years against a diverse array of opponents from the Middle East and South Asia divisions. In many of the wars, the Interventionists seemed to have the upper-hand early only to see the leads slip away into chaos in the end.

In an effort to right the ship, the US Interventionists recently brought on a new head coach in the form of General James Mattis. The team also replaced much of its back office and appointed Donald Trump as the new general manager.

In his characteristically brash and repetitive fashion, Trump declared, “We’ll handle North Korea. We’re going to be able to handle them. It will be handled. We handle everything.”

Fans of the Interventionists want to believe that the club is finally ready to turn the page on its long-running drought, but many are reluctant to get their hopes up. “It all sounds good, but I’ll believe it when I see the scoreboard,” one fan told The Daily Face Palm.

They have good reason to be skeptical. In the weeks and months leading up to previous conflicts, Interventionist leaders have often offered rosy predictions of victory that were not borne out in reality.

For example, Kenneth Adelman, a high-ranking Interventionist executive prior to Iraq War 2, famously claimed that “liberating Iraq would be a cakewalk”.

Likewise, then-General Manager Barack Obama famously referred to the Islamic State as a “JV team” in early 2014 before the US Interventionists began formally fighting the group. While the comment was clearly meant to downplay the Islamic State’s abilities, the war against the group proved more difficult than initial predictions and is still ongoing even now.

And of course, who could forget then-Assistant Coach Hillary Clinton’s halftime interview during the war in Libya in which she prematurely declared victory? “We came, we saw, he died,” she said at the time.

The words would come back to haunt her and the Interventionists, however, as the country of Libya quickly devolved into a Hobbesian state of nature that used to be confined to philosophical treatises.

Analysts we spoke to were split on the question of whether the North Korea conflict may ultimately allow the US Interventionists to get in the win column for the first time in 21st century. However, they all agreed that this was one of the last chances before the franchise might have to consider shutting down.

“At this point, they’ve tried almost everything,” one commentator explained. “Counterinsurgency, drone strikes, invasion, fighting the terrorists here, backing the terrorists there, overthrowing governments, propping up governments–nothing seems to work.”

“If they fail in North Korea too, it might be time to hang up the cluster munitions for good.”



*This is a satirical post. Any quotes not cited with a hyperlink are fictional in nature.