Spanish PM on Catalonia: Democracy Will Never Undermine Our Democracy

Flag of the infamous democratic terrorists of
Catalonia | Credit: Angela Llop, Flickr

WASHINGTON, DC–Speaking to reporters at a joint press conference with US President Trump, Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy said that “democracy will never undermine our democracy.”

The prime minister was referring to the planned referendum in Catalonia on so-called “independence”, and the turn of phrase has become something of a rallying cry for Rajoy and his supporters as he works to quell the democratic insurgency in that too-autonomous region. Rajoy later vowed that his government “would use all means necessary to defeat the radical democratic terrorists”.*

Explainer: Here’s What the First Amendment Means for #TakeAKnee

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Poll: Majority Believes Trump Is Focused on “Issues that Matter”

President Trump describes the vital
importance of #StandForTheAnthem.
Credit: Marc Nozell

WASHINGTON, DC–A new Fox News / Rasmussen poll has found that nearly 65% of registered voters agreed or strongly agreed that “President Trump is focused on the issues that matter.”

The poll came after an energetic weekend for the president, in which he made headlines for repeatedly criticizing NFL players for bad posture during the national anthem. The resulting controversy had fans across the nation choosing sides in the debate, and a majority has sided with the president.*

After Trump Tirade, Kaepernick Optimistic About Job Prospects

Kaepernick, right, blaspheming against
the US national anthem. | Credit: Marcio
 Jose Sanchez, AP Photo via ESPN

SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Feeling relieved after being called a “son of a b****” by the President of the United States on Twitter, free agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick said he expected to sign with a new team within the week.

Kaepernick has been in the crosshairs of the President for his silent protests of the US national anthem during the 2016 season. Kaepernick voluntarily decided to become a free agent from the 49ers at the end of last season, but has failed to find an enduring spot on another roster since.*

Fed Keeps Interest Rates Steady, Will Start Burning $10 Billion per Month in ‘Epic’ Bonfire

A visual depiction of quantitative tightening |
Credit: Purple Slog, Flickr

WASHINGTON, DC–In a widely anticipated move, the Federal Reserve decided on Wednesday to keep short-term interest rates steady, and announced a start date for its plan to burn $10 billion per month in an “epic” bonfire.

The bonfire program represents the other side of the extraordinary monetary policy measures the Fed implemented in the wake of the Great Recession. Those measures included the creation of trillions of dollars in new money, which were then spent primarily on US Treasury Bonds and mortgage-backed securities, with the goal of lowering long-term interest rates and increasing economic activity.

Although economic growth never recovered to historically normal rates, interest rates did plummet as intended and have stayed consistently low. Now the Fed has determined the policies were successful enough, and is starting to unwind the initial money creation. This led to the tricky question of how to dispose of all the money they printed.

Advocates: Let the GOP Healthcare Repeal Effort Die with Dignity

Let the GOP healthcare repeal have the medicine it needs. |
Credit: Charles Williams, Flickr

WASHINGTON, DC–Saying that the last days are always the hardest to watch, a group of activists and lawmakers on Capitol Hill this week argued that the GOP Obamacare repeal effort should be allowed to die with dignity.*

“There are good days and bad days,” Senator Rand Paul explained, “but deep down, we’ve all known the patient is terminal.”

Harvard Rescinds Manning Fellowship, Regrets Tarnishing Brand with Integrity

Noted peace criminal
Chelsea Manning,
who exposed thousands of
innocent classified documents
to the elements.
Credit: Tim Travers Hawkins,
Wikimedia Commons

BOSTON, MA–On Friday, the Harvard Kennedy School’s Institute of Politics withdrew its fellowship invitation to Chelsea Manning, the notorious traitor who leaked thousands of classified documents and exposed the inner-workings of America’s benevolent foreign policy.*

When the invitation was originally extended, it set off a firestorm of criticism from current and former high-ranking officials who helped oversee that foreign policy and were inexplicably upset at having their good deeds revealed to the public. Current CIA Director Mike Pompeo abruptly pulled out of a speech at the Harvard Kennedy School in protest. Additionally, former Acting CIA Director, and noted proponent of assassinating Russians and Iranians, Michael Morell penned a letter of resignation from his current post at the Kennedy School, thereby denying a generation of aspiring, patriotic sociopaths an experienced lecturer in the field.

Skeptical of Trump’s Judgment, Senate Votes to Preserve Unlimited War Authorization

Donald Trump describes the number of Senators
willing to vote for or against any of the wars.
| Credit: Marc Nozell

WASHINGTON–On Wednesday, the US Senate voted 61-36 to end debate and kill an amendment that would have established an expiration date on America’s current Authorizations for the Use of Military Force (AUMFs).*

The AUMFs have drawn criticism over the years for being both vague and stale. Apple comes out with a new iPhone almost every year. By contrast, the US hasn’t come out with a new AUMF in nearly 15 years.

Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT), who spoke in favor of sunsetting the current authorizations, said that the AUMFs have been “terrific products that have exceeded all expectations in terms of durability and versatility,” alluding to the fact that the authorizations have been used to justify a highly diverse set of conflicts against various enemies.

“But now that the US government has gotten their use out of them,” Murphy continued, “we’re ready for something new.”

Stranded Florida Man Relieved He Didn’t Have to Overpay for Gas

A person uses their SUV to stay above flood waters
 | Credit: Izinzer, Flickr

MIAMI–Speaking to reporters on a cell phone from the hood of his SUV while flood waters closed in around him, local resident Phil Stewart said he was grateful to the Attorney General for cracking down on would-be price gouging by gas stations.*

Speaker Ryan: “The Some-of-the-Debt Ceiling Is Essential”

Paul Ryan | Credit: Gage Skidmore, Flickr

WASHINGTON, DC–Reacting to President Trump’s vocal support for abolishing the some-of-the-debt ceiling, House Speaker Paul Ryan was outraged and defiant, telling reporters he would absolutely oppose the president on this issue.*

Battered by Past Storms, Hurricane Harvey Finishes Off Fiscal Conservativism

The remnants of Fiscal Conservativism
| Credit: Lance Cpl. Scott Whiting,
DVIDSHUB, Flickr

TEXAS–The flood waters and storm clouds of Hurricane Harvey are beginning to recede, but residents in the small town of Fiscal Conservatism say things will never be the same again.*

Surveying the damage after President Trump quickly agreed to a nominal 3-month debt ceiling extension with the Democratic leadership to ensure federal spending on Harvey relief, resident Rand Paul (R-KY) told The Daily Face Palm, “I don’t think we can recover from this.”

FBI Declares Antifa “Domestic Keynesians”

Caricature of former economist Paul Krugman
| By DonkeyHotey – Image , CC BY 2.0,
Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON, DC–Saying that the black-clad activist group has now become a significant threat to Americans’ liberty, property, and ground-floor windows, the FBI has officially decided to label the “Antifa” group “Domestic Keynesians”.*

The FBI noted that this is one of the highest threat designations they have for individual groups, roughly equivalent to the sunburst orange threat level for the country at large.

Though small in number, the anti-fascist groups are known for punching above their weight with high-profile counterprotests. They’re also known for punching.