Senator Chuck Jones (R-AL*) recently became a co-sponsor of a bill that would defund Planned Parenthood "once and for all" in the words of the Senator.
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Friday, December 23, 2016
Monday, December 19, 2016
Rex Tillerson and Russia: Conflict or Confluence of Interest?
Friday, December 16, 2016
Ku Klux Klan Endorses Humanitarian Intervention: 'It gets results'
Birmingham, AL--At a press conference on Wednesday, the Grand Spellcaster of the Ku Klux Klan, William Gordon, strongly endorsed humanitarian intervention in Syria and "anywhere else."
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Man Claims Right to an American Job after Being Born Here
Huntington, IN--Speaking to reporters after President-elect Donald Trump's major announcement that Carrier would be keeping some additional jobs in the US, a local employee Ben Jackson was ecstatic that someone in power was finally "trying to protect American jobs".
Monday, December 5, 2016
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Portland Pro-Coup Protester: "Why Not Here?"
Portland, OR--Here in the Rose City, outrage and activism have mostly died down just a couple weeks after the surprising victory of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump.
Once there was courageous civil disobedience disrupting the evening commute and pro-democracy property liberation in the dead of night--occasionally mislabeled by critics as "vandalism"--to dissent from the election of Not-My-President-elect Trump. Now, the streets of downtown Portland are relatively calm. Actions still happen many days, but they are sparsely attended.
One gets the sense that many Portlanders have come to accept the reality of an impending Trump Presidency. An uncharacteristically gloomy and rainy November season seems to reflect their sentiments well.
That said, another interpretation is that we may just be experiencing the calm before the storm. A major action is being planned in Washington, DC to peacefully disrupt the peaceful transfer of power from President Obama to Trump scheduled for January 20, 2017. Activists who can't make it to DC are encouraged to hold local actions in solidarity.
In light of these historic plans, The Daily Face Palm sat down for an exclusive interview with one of the leaders of the Portland protest movement, Keith Davis, to learn more about his ideas and vision for the future. Highlights from our conversation are included below, edited as necessary to clarify the responses and make them more inflammatory:
DFP: A lot of skeptics have been wondering what the point of protesting the election really is. What would you say to those people?
Davis: That's easy. Our stretch goal is to hopefully get the election overturned so Hillary Clinton will become president instead of Donald Trump. It's the only way to save our democracy. Also, many of us looked into moving to Canada before the protests and decided it's way too f---ing cold up there. Do you know they actually get snow routinely? Unbelievable. I live in Portland for a reason.
DFP: You probably know what I'm going to ask next? What about the electoral college and the rule of law and all that?
Davis: Look, who should decide the American president? Should it be 270 random old white guys arbitrarily chosen to be "electors"? Or should it be the American people? Hillary won New York and California fair and square, not to mention the overall popular vote. I think it's pretty clear the people have spoken.
And to be fair, Hillary isn't the only one who has had victory stolen from her. It also happened to the Carolina Panthers earlier this year in the Super Bowl. The Panther defense held the Denver Broncos to dramatically fewer yards, and everyone knows defense wins championships. Yet in spite of this, the Broncos were still declared the winners because they happened to score more points. Completely unjust.
DFP: Do you believe Hillary Clinton would make a good president?
Davis: I'm not her number one fan, but we must #DumpTrump. The way I see it we were bound to have one accused sex offender in the White House come January 20. I'd definitely prefer it was the first husband rather than the actual president.
DFP: Just to clarify, you don't actually have to say "hash tag"; our people can add that in later.
Davis: My bad.
DFP: Let's move on. Some people have expressed concerns that if the election was overturned in favor of Hillary Clinton, the response from the deplorable Trump supporters might be less than peaceful. What do you think about that?
Davis: There's no question that we've seen a massive increase in hate crime violence in the wake of Donald Trump's victory, and it's pretty clear what has caused it. Trump's supporters are violent, hateful people like we've been saying all along. And his victory has emboldened them to do their worst.
That said, everything changes if Hillary is set to become the new president. Trump's supporters are all violent racists, but they're only acting out now because they feel like their worldview has been vindicated. If the presidency is returned to Hillary Clinton, I'm sure they'll calm down and go back to the gun ranges and NASCAR races they crawled out from.
DFP: Wait, what?
Davis: You heard me. You know, another thing people are forgetting in all this is that the US is the unchallenged expert in political coups. Iran, Panama, Afghanistan, Somalia, Iraq, Libya, Honduras, Yemen, Ukraine, etc. You name the country, and we've probably helped orchestrate or support a coup there in some way.
Now, a lot of those may have been disasters, but everyone knows that's only because we didn't stay. If we had a coup in the US, it'd be different because, well, the US government would kind of have to stay wouldn't they? So our question to the skeptics is this: We've given coups and democracy to many other countries in the world; why not here?
DFP: Okay. Got it. My last question for you today is something that's been in the news a lot. When you're choosing the nature of your action, why block the roads? Isn't that just going to make everyone oppose your cause out of spite?
Davis: Yeah, we hear this question a lot. But democracy is something worth fighting for, and if we happen to piss a few people off along the way, so be it. Frankly, since they're busy destroying the planet by driving home (most of them without even the decency to carpool), I can't say I really feel that bad for them.
Getting back to your question though, it's a strategic consideration. Right now, we feel like we need to bring this issue to people's attention because it may not even be on their radar. We may upset them, but at least we'll get them to take notice. That trade-off is worth it for us.
Now, if it was a more well-known issue, our tactics would be different. For instance, if we were protesting the US-backed War in Yemen which has killed thousands and made millions of people malnourished, or the scheduling of kratom as a narcotic which created a new class of nonviolent criminals overnight, or even the widespread practice of civil asset forfeiture where people are effectively assumed guilty until proven innocent, then we wouldn't be blocking the streets. Everybody already knows about those issues because that's what the media focuses on to get viewers.
But how many people know that we just had a presidential election and the illegitimate president-elect is a racist misogynist with a terrible taste in ties? That's why we have to be in the streets, to raise awareness.
DFP: Thanks for chatting with us, Keith.
*The individual quoted in this piece is fictional. Any similarities between his expressed positions and those of public figures or trolls on your social media feed are entirely coincidental.
Friday, November 18, 2016
Economist Praises Federal Reserve 'Expert' Stock Market Manipulation
Renowned economist Dr. Richard Hackney has released a new white paper praising the Federal Reserve for its "expert" manipulation of the stock market.
In recent years, the Federal Reserve's easy monetary policies have come under increased scrutiny, and some have argued that have created an artificial boom that will lead to a disastrous collapse. Dr. Hackney says these skeptics have it completely backwards.
"At this point, an artificial boom is all we got," Dr. Hackney told the DFP. "And frankly, it's better this way."
According to Dr. Hackney, in the old days, growth in the stock market--and in the overall economy to some degree--was dependent on real factors. Companies needed to develop products that consumers actually wanted in order to make a profit. Consumers needed to have enough savings and income to actually afford the companies' offerings. The government needed to ensure that the expansion of destructive new policies was sufficiently slow to not get in the way. In Dr. Hackney's telling, at least one of these requirements was always bound to fail, "Relying on real economic growth to grow the economy is just too risky."
That's why he is ecstatic to see the outsized role the Federal Reserve has taken on after the Great Recession. Now, instead of looking closely at the growth prospects of leading companies, their generally falling profits, or the surging corporate debt levels, Dr. Hackney said that investors look to the Fed, "Everything rises and falls based on the signalling of the Federal Reserve. And as long as Dr. Yellen says she sees a need for a 'caution' or that the Fed is willing to pursue 'accommodative' policies, it's all good. Stocks will continue to go up. Janet's a pro; we can count on her."
Dr. Hackney also made a compelling argument on humanitarian grounds, "We're talking about people's retirement here. Why should someone's nest egg get destroyed just because Apple decided to make a pair of bad Gothic earrings an integral part of its flagship product?"
Still, the skeptics remain. The Daily Face Palm reached out to one such economist, Paul Burton, at George Jefferson University to understand why they continue to deny economic science. Burton's response was characteristically naive and simplistic:
"Markets only work if they're responding to real information. If that information gets distorted, like when the Federal Reserve forces interest rates to be artificially low, then people make the wrong decisions. That's how we get disasters like the Great Recession--years of distortion by the Federal Reserve ending in an inevitable collapse. There's no reason to think it's different this time."
This kind of free market fundamentalism remains a fringe view however, with most academics and pundits focusing on Bush-era tax cuts, and the abolition of financial regulation in the 1990s as causes for the crisis.
In any case, Dr. Hackney's response to the skeptics seems authoritative, "There will always be economic doomsayers out there. But all I know is that the Dow is near 19,000, and we're in one of the longest bull markets in history. The Fed deserves credit not criticism. This time it really is different."
Update: Note that all of the individuals quoted in this piece are fictional, and any similarities to the sentiments or names of real people are entirely coincidental.
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Don’t Blame Trump, or Capitalism, for the Next Recession
Friday, November 11, 2016
Guest Post: Greedy Drug Companies Extending Customer Lifespans for Profit
Are drug companies making their customers live longer at the expense of their customers?
This would seem to be the conclusion drawn from internal memos and emails of major pharmaceutical companies leaked last week which offer a sickening glimpse into the world of that life-extending, profit-seeking world.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Common Ground Between Progressives and Libertarians after Trump’s Election
- The election results are not being contested by either candidate. Clinton hasn’t given an official concession speech yet, but according to Donald Trump, she did call him personally to concede.
- On a related note, there probably won’t be a recount. The margin of victory was large enough that the losing candidate couldn’t seriously push for a recount and extend uncertainty through the weeks to come.
- Neither Russia nor the Democratic Party were blamed for rigging the results
- Bonus: We didn’t further escalate tensions with Russia to distract from an unsuccessful campaign
- No major terrorist attacks, despite ISIS’s calls for violence
- The winning candidate didn’t rub salt in the wound with the acceptance speech. Instead of inciting further division, Trump’s acceptance speech focused on unity in the same way a conventional candidate would.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Correcting the Record: No, Obama Is not Fiscally Responsible
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
The 2016 Election Is Destroying the Facade of Objectivity
Background on Objectivity
When it comes to politics and government, objectivity doesn’t really exist. This isn’t the fault of corrupt politicians; it’s just the nature of the business. Indeed, the Founding Fathers even took this notion for granted. That’s why they endeavored to design a system of government where ambition was made to check ambition. They understood that government would not always and everywhere be populated by saintly individuals acting dutifully in the public interest.
But while our government is predicated on this idea–that government actors will not always be impartial and objective–we do not always remember it. Many Americans are inclined to believe that US governing institutions really are objective.
This is one way to understand, for example, why a larger segment of the population isn’t outraged by the lack of accountability for police brutality. What ought to be a straightforward question of justice and the rule of law falls along strange tribal lines. On one side, what we might call the Blue Lives Matter side, we have people that are essentially saying, “Trust the process”. These people buy into the idea of government objectivity in this area, and generally believe both that a) cops would not kill someone unless they had a good reason and b) the justice system is generally fair and would hold cops accountable if they deserved it. On the other side of the issue, we find people who no longer buy into the objectivity myth, either because a) they have a personal experience that disproved it or else b) they have just encountered too many stories of senseless injustice being perpetrated to still think the system is working fairly.
While actual progress on the police brutality has been slow in coming, libertarians and progressives are certainly making strides in the realm of public opinion. Of course, issues don’t figure prominently in this election cycle. But among the few issues that do get discussed, police brutality is near the top of the list. The reason this is even on the table is because the myth of objectivity has been substantially dismantled, and it now cries out for a solution.
Back to the Election
What horrifying YouTube videos did for police brutality, the 2016 election is doing for many other aspects of the US government and politics generally. Let’s run down the list:
The FBI
When FBI Director James Comey announced the findings of the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s private emails, the response was predictable. Republicans were outraged that such an alleged miscarriage of justice was done, and some even called attention to a questionable meeting Bill Clinton and Attorney General Loretta Lynch, shortly before the decision, to cast further doubt on its legitimacy. The Republicans were openly suggesting that the FBI made a deal with the Democrats. Meanwhile, the Democrats were delighted to find their standard-bearer free and clear of any investigations, and hailed the FBI for its professionalism. Of course, they would. Even if they truly believed that, it was also in their partisan interest to do so.
Fast forward to Friday, and the narrative is completely reversed. This time, Comey wrote a letter to Congress to alert them that the Clinton email probe had been reopened in a way, as a result of additional emails being identified as part of an unrelated investigation.
Now it was the Democrats turn to accuse Comey of being a partisan hack.
So wait, the FBI Director’s decisions are only impartial when they agree with you? I don’t think that’s how impartiality works…
The reason this matters is that the FBI isn’t usually called into question quite like this. Depending on your perspective, it marks either a new low or a new high.
Too Big to Jail?
The FBI’s political leanings weren’t the only aspect of significance in the Clinton email case. One of the central questions in the scandal was whether politically powerful people will be held to the same rules and laws as everyone else. Comey’s memorable answer, was a resounding, if reluctant, no. Readers may recall these illuminating lines:
Although we did not find clear evidence that Secretary Clinton or her colleagues intended to violate laws governing the handling of classified information, there is evidence that they were extremely careless in their handling of very sensitive, highly classified information.He could have scarcely said it any more plainly. Yes, there’s evidence that laws may have been broken, but it doesn’t matter anyway, because no reasonable prosecutor would bring the case. Translation: Hillary Clinton is too powerful for the laws to be applied to her.
…
Although there is evidence of potential violations of the statutes regarding the handling of classified information, our judgment is that no reasonable prosecutor would bring such a case.
This is not without precedent either of course. Not prosecuting the politically-connected is a time-honored American tradition. It’s why Ford pardoned Nixon; it’s why Bush officials didn’t get prosecuted for the torture program, and it’s why Director of National Intelligence James Clapper suffered no repercussions for lying to Congress about the activities of the NSA. That said, it’s still rare that the episode garners this much attention.
The Fed
The usually obscure Federal Reserve hasn’t escaped accusations of partisanship or corruption this time around either. Though his own preferences on monetary policy are unclear, Donald Trump has made this a recurring talking point, once suggesting the Fed is being “more political than Secretary Clinton”.
The Elections
Even the elections themselves are being cast in a suspicious light in this election cycle, to a degree not seen in recent memory. Donald Trump’s narrative here focuses on media bias or alleged voting fraud schemes to distort the election outcome. Meanwhile, Clinton’s narrative is that Trump is a pawn of the Russian government, and thus she has alleged the Russian hacking apparatus has been trying to throw the election in his favor. The Obama Administration has also come out to offer a degree of legitimacy to the Clinton narrative by making direct, if oddly tentative, accusations of hacking.
Indeed, we face the very real possibility that, in one week’s time, the official election results will be contested. And either candidate might be willing to try this strategy based on the rhetoric we’ve heard to date.
Consequences for Liberty
What all of this means is that the 2016 election has offered a systematic assault on faith in government and the idea that the government is an objective, impartial actor.
For lovers of liberty, this circumstance represents an incredible opportunity. We already know that the proper attitude towards government is one of deep skepticism. Come November 9th, nearly half of the American electorate is going to agree.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
US Calls for End to Saudi Strikes on Yemen, Sort Of
A top Human Rights Watch director noted that the call would’ve carried a lot more weight if the US wasn’t providing the bombs the Saudis are dropping on Yemen in the first place, though former US officials say its almost certain this won’t include any dial back in US arms sales.
Monday, October 31, 2016
How Obama Made War Cool Again
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Don't Forget About President Obama's Scandals
To be sure, I understand the place these articles come from–namely, fear of his likely successors. If pressed on the matter, I too would confess I’m marginally less terrified of President Obama than either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. But this is an extraordinarily low bar. With just two weeks to go till this awful election is over, it’s easy to forget this.
- Assassinating an American citizen deliberately, without any semblance of due process.
- Assassinating that same American citizen’s son two weeks later, because he didn’t have a “responsible father”, in the words of the White House Press Secretary
- Waging an unconstitutional and disastrous war in Libya.
- Creating said failed state, which also paved the way for ethnic pogroms against black Africans
- Bombing a Doctors without Borders hospital in Afghanistan, for an hour, killing 40+ people
- Supporting an aggressive and disastrous War in Yemen to “placate the Saudis“, which continues to this day.
- And in general, asserting the right to wage limitless war, anywhere, with or without Congressional approval.
- With the help of US allies, backing the not-so-moderate rebels in Syria, in spite of internal US intelligence suggesting the policy was paving the conditions for a Salafist principality (i.e. something like the Islamic State).